May 23, 2007

• Notes from You Just Don’t Understand:
  {I realize that what Tannen’s research shows doesn’t not explain
  everyone or every situation, but it is intriguing stuff.}
  - “talk between men and women is cross-cultural communication.” (18)
  - Intimacy and Independence… women use talk to become intimate/closer with others, men primarily use talk to show their independence. When women talk to men freely via rapport-talking, men don’t see that as them becoming closer to them through communciation. Instead, they probably think the woman is dependent or asking for advice/solutions to her problems which is why men try to “fix” things in women’s eyes, and not just “talk” about it. When men talk, they use report-talking which is the basics. The facts. Over breakfast, a man will feel connected to his wife/gf/significant other just by having them there as he reads the morning paper. Perhaps the woman wants them to “talk” because that’s how she sees them becoming closer. Men don’t necessarily need rapport talk to be closer/intimate.
  - sidenote: Some of her research and research in regards to communication between genders, I think, overlaps a bit with research I have read about birth order. For example, being the oldest in my family, I am often a report-talker because the oldest is often “the leader.” I also give advice/solutions instead of talking just to talk. My brother, who is the youngest, is also the comedian of the family, and will use rapport-talking to be funny or tell hilarious stories. He talks as much as the females in the family, and he’s not all about facts like my dad is when he talks.
  - “I’ll have to check with Bob.” = Women feel a connection/intimacy by making plans or talking over decisions with their partner. Men don’t like to talk over, for example, what they are doing Friday night with the guys, because that means, to them, asking for “permission,” and that’s NOT independence!
  - Does “women = nags”? Women aren’t nags, it’s just that we usually do what we are asked to do, and men like to be on their own so any inclination that they aren’t in control is not cool.
  - Sometimes, it’s not what you say (the words), it’s how you say it (the metamessage behind it). EXACTLY!
  - When women show connection to others (example: acknowledging partners/others in books or speeches), men equate that with a lack of independence which is “synonymous with incompetence and insecurity.” (39)
  - ASK FOR DIRECTIONS, ALREADY. Men don’t like to take advice because that shows that they aren’t in the superior position. So when a woman gives advice on where to turn or what to do, men are slow to give in because that doesn’t show independence on their part.
  - When I ask my boyfriend for advice and then ask my dad, it calls into question Jan’s knowledge & expertise.
  - “Attuned to the metamessage of connection, many women are comfortable both receiving help and giving it, though surely there are many women who are comfortable only in the role of giver of help and support. Many men, sensitive to the dynamic of status, the need to help women, and the need to be self-reliant, are comfortable in the role of giving information and help but not in receiving it.” (71)
  - “Even with the best of intentions, trying to settle the problem through talk can only make things worse if it is ways of talking that are causing trouble in the first place.” (79)
  - “Men and women have very different ideas of what is important.” (80) DUH!
  - “Many men honestly do not know what women want, and women honestly do not know why men find what they want so hard to comprehend and deliver.” (81)
  - GIRLS = “All her life she has had practice in verbalizing her thoughts and feelings in private conversations with people she is close to” & BOYS = “All his life he has had practice in dismissing his and keeping them to himself.” (83)
  - SOLUTION? Women should realize that when a man is reading the paper and just throwing back facts of the day at her, that she hasn’t failed the relationship. Men should realize that when women are talking they are not trying to manipulate the man, but simply connect with him.
  - “When people talk about the details of daily lives, it is gossip; when they write about them, it is literature: short stories and novels.” (97)

  • 9:19 pm
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