May 31, 2008
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SEXISM. More and more, this topic is popping up in my life. I believe I said, to the girls during our pre-SATC party, that: “Hey, this world is sexist; I guess all we can do is take advantage of it.” And I was 75% serious about that. There are various items I am in a constant tug-of-war with in my mind about men and women and relationships and society. Here are a few:
1- Weddings. I have the tug-of-war thoughts in my head about the ring (guys don’t wear an engagement ring), the name change (do I take his or get odd looks for the rest of my life and get labeled ‘too liberal’), and the simple idea of marriage being a ‘benefit’ to women and not to men? A woman becomes the ball & chain, but at least she’s not a spinster. Marriage is considered death to men, but not to women? We have nothing else to look forward to but to be someone’s wife someday? Oh, and when they are introduced, it’s “Mr. & Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName.” Where is her name? Where is her identity?
2- Independence. I like being able to do what I want, yet I don’t mind ‘being taken care of’ once in awhile. When I find myself thinking that, I feel like I am letting others down by even thinking it. Why do I need to be taken care of, I’ll think.
3- The conversations at ‘showers.’ Sadly, I find myself ignoring bridal showers (or hoping that other previous plans are made so I have to miss them), and definitely baby showers, as much as possible. Why? Because my relationship status is always up for debate. I have to defend why I am not married. It’s frustrating. Men don’t get together and poke around in each other’s relationships. I figure I am in a relationship perfectly suited to my needs & wants right now. I want committment, and I want freedom.
4- Babies. Women are supposed to know if they want children. If they don’t, they’re odd. It’s not a big deal, and no one even asks men whether they want children. And if they don’t, they are considered ‘normal’ most of the time.
5- Money. I’ve told myself that I’d like to own a lake place (or lake land at least) by the time I am 35. First of all, I get odd looks when I mention it separately from marriage & kids. The second point is a connection to what Miranda dealt with in SATC. When she bought her apt, there was a conversation about how she’d be an unattractive companion to a man because he wouldn’t have to buy that with her or for her.
6- Teaching. I get called a bitch (mostly behind my back, but I know it occurs). If I were male and teaching with the rules I have in place, I would probably be a beloved teacher. However, I think the fact that I am female brings a comfortable atmosphere to the classroom quicker and easier than a male could. There are benefits to being either gender, obviously.
7- Cleaning and cooking. If a house that a couple has is messy and dirty, the woman gets blamed. A woman is still somewhat expected to cook most of the meals (is this still the 1950s?) as far as what I gather. Why can’t it be equal? And if there is a household where the male is the one who cleans up (I know of one cool couple like this) and also cooks the most (I know of another couple like this), why should he/they get looked at as odd? Or why should the woman be looked at as not holding up her ’end of the bargain’?
The fact of the matter is that when any of these tug-of-war topics are mentioned to most guys, they can’t comprehend what we women are complaining about. They haven’t lived it. They can’t place themselves in our shoes (heels or otherwise). They don’t get it; they’d rather just call us feminists (which is partially true, but there were waves of feminism and the latest one, from my research, suggests that the latest wave is about equality not bra-burning and women-better-than-men ideals). I go back and forth on these ideas constantly. Try as I do, I can’t nail anything down. Place anything in concrete.
As a woman, I’m probably not supposed to swear as much as I do. I’m probably not supposed to like watching football. I’m probably not supposed to do a lot of what I do, but I just am who I am. And I don’t like the fact that if I change my gender, suddenly what I do becomes okay and normal and typical. This is also why if guys want to like the ballet and shopping and cooking, they shouldn’t be viewed as “gay” in the derogatory sense.
Comments (7)
“they can’t comprehend what we women are complaining about”
I suspect that this is a two way street. That when we make these complaints, we really do speak in ignorance. Being experts in only one half of the story.
Are older unmarried men really held in as high regard as married men? I doubt it.
Are fathers considered to be better men than the childless? Are older childless men looked at with suspicion? Older never married men, what do we think of them? Do we trust them?
I think none of us can see the whole story.
This is interesting to me. I understand why you “can’t nail anything down”. I think trying to come to firm conclusions on all things male and female. The cultural, physical and mental deferences, is an interesting but losing game.
@trunthepaige - I disagree. I really don’t think I speak out of ignorance, but, rather, from experience. I think only a small piece of my complaining had to do with being older and unmarried. Most of it deals with being in a couple & the expectations that go along with that, does it not?
Within that smaller piece of my complaints, I’d argue that older unmarried men are not critically looked at as much as older, unmarried women. Just using Hollywood as one example (so as to not point out people in my life), George Clooney is uber cool for not wanting to get married/have kids. Jen Aniston is constantly interviewed about when she’ll get married and have some. I’d bet that the men rarely get asked the ‘settling down’ question as much as women.
I don’t feel I am losing out by analyzing any of this; knowing what is happening is better than ignoring it (“Knowledge is Power.”). In fact, my first thought was that if this world is sexist (and it is), we women should just take advantage of it since fighting the system does practically nothing.
Lastly, I’d argue that the “whole story” is simple: Patriarchy.
@teacher47 -
I believe that thinking about it, and discussing the subject is a very good thing. I just believe it is imposable to master the subject. You can not know the other side of the story any better than a man can know your side of it.
I know very little of being older and unmarried. Though I have no distrust of single, childless and unmarried woman. But a single, childless and unmarried man? Well I see him as more a potential threat than most and the older the more I think about it. I am not going to tell you are wrong. I think you are seeing it from a narrow point of view. But then so am I.
From my point of view, if this society is a patriarchy. Then patriarchy is a rather liberating system for a woman such as myself. I seem to have almost unlimited choices, and sucess in the workforce has come rather easily.
I have no idea if older men are asked if they ever will settle down. But I know for a fact that a lot of people think of older single men are flawed creatures.
Thank you for the dialog, I enjoyed it. I can’t really say you are wrong here i am just bouncing another point of vie around. I really think we are both missing part of the story.
@trunthepaige - I suppose I simply know many childless, single males who I don’t distrust more than anyone else. I have many relatives who haven’t married or who married very late in their lives. The females have gotten more crap about it, however. I realize basing this solely on my family & friends is limiting, but it’s something that others (in my region of the country) haven’t argued against which leads me to believe I may be onto something.
Patriarchy… “social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children”… which is why, perhaps, I shouldn’t care that I may lose my last name and gain my husband’s – the name is not part of a matriarchy, so why should I care about it?
I think we are both wrong and right, which is what I love (love the questions more than the answers, someone cool once said)… I just see the unmarried men in the way others do: they have no obligations, according to society, to have kids and get married. Whereas, I apparently do.
Perhaps, too, your success in the workforce has had more to do with your race & education & class status than gender. I am guessing that’s why I have had it “easy” as well.
Ah… thoughts thoughts thoughts. My head hurts. And now I am hungry for physical substance rather than mental.
Dinner does sound good right now!
I think we all need to be careful and realize that none of us are immune from the effects of cultural isolation. Yes I see things from my own little world’s filter. But my point of view is a valid one, it is just not all encompassing.
I hope this stuff settles out for you, family expectations (unreasonable ones)can be very stressful. I was the family slut for a long while, living in sin and all that. If I were daddies boy instead of his little girl, would it have been different? I bet it would have. Not that I will ever know that for certain.
I love football as well. But I have managed to tone down my sometimes inappropriate language. And I am married now, so its ok for me to be a bit sexually aggressive. Oh the contradictions of life.
I bet you are a very good teacher.
Stumbled over from espoir’s site. Interesting dialogue going on here…
Gender roles are all constructed, anyhow. And if you have an advanced degree in English, you must be well versed in critical theory and all its “isms” and the fact that women are the original and most prevalent “Other” in the Western patriarchal hegemony, an entire gender subjugated through the projection of the Jungian “shadow” archetype upon them before it was likewise wielded against various racial, ethnic, and religious minorities.
That wasn’t entirely relevant, but when you teach middle school, you relish opportunities to talk all academic.
@jasonwrites -
Yeppers. Heard of all that before… without the “big words.” Do you know my Canadian thesis advisor? Just kidding.
Anyhow, I guess the more I think about it, the more I know where it has all come from, why it’s “around,” yet I want to fight it and give up all at once. I don’t want the oddball stares when I say I don’t know if I want to have kids/get married; however, I like when my bf picks up the check at dinner or gets the door for me. It’s so frustrating to be a tad bit overeducated… ?
Sidenote: I student taught 8th graders, so I feel your “pain.”
Then I taught high school (6 preps, yikes) for two years before thrusting myself into the college arena.