July 1, 2008
-
SHE’S A XANGSTA?: A blog entry on the homepage today made me think of what I’ve been reading… about men and women and how they communicate. It’s intriguing to say the least.
What I’ve learned, so far, from the book posted with this post (was posted previously):
When men grow up, their primary caregiver is typically female. They have to deny her later on in order to claim themselves as men and start to identify with other men. And that’s where it starts, the frustration. Women are brought up similarly but never have to deny their primary caregiver; therefore, they define intimacy as what they had with good ol’ mom. Sharing emotions, talking, etc. Men have denied that sort of intimacy in order to be connected to their gender. Not only do they not show intimacy in that way like women do, but they have a hard time understanding it. They show love through sex, doing work for women, being able to provide for the family, etc. They SHOW; women want to HEAR. Big problem. So, you SEE, it’s not that women define intimacy the right way and men the wrong way (which seems to be how most women view it); it’s that we view it and have different definitions. Different is not wrong (where have I heard that before?).There were other disturbing things in the book (published in 1991, I believe; perhaps I have an old edition) that really stereotyped women into having to stay at home and be housewives (as if that was the only thing we’re good for – cooking, cleaning, & kids), but I overlooked those things. Each woman is different. As is each man. And every relationship. Some of the relationships outlined, too, were way out there. I would’ve left the dude in some cases; didn’t realize that many women have THAT low of self-esteem. Huh.
p.s. SJP may be on Conan tonight? I’m trying to keep my very tired (and “sunburnt”) eyes awake long enough to see her.
Comments (2)
This is something that Andy and I struggle with. We’ve only been married for a few days, but we’ve lived together for the past two years. And this is ALWAYS the root of most of the problems that we have. He doesn’t listen to me, and I don’t appreciate what he does. We get stuck in it. Maybe I should find me a copy of that book…
@apennieformythoughts -
I would recommend any of Deb Tannen’s books more than this particular one. Tannen is a linguist and uses stories/real life examples to explain stuff.
You Just Don’t Understand: Women & Men in Communication is one of hers that I’ve almost gotten all the way through (misplaced it recently). I learned the difference between report-talking and rapport-talking. Men are report-talkers. They give the facts; that’s it. Women complain, “Tell me how you FEEL,” but that’s not how they communicate. Then women are rapport-talkers because we talk to built intimacy with friends & other women. We assume men do the same, but they don’t.
US: “OMG, did you see The Twins game? Joe Mauer is so cute; does he have a gf?”
MEN: “The Twins won 7-0. Mauer got a base hit.”