May 16, 2009

  • I think I've started to fully embrace what people could be possibly saying behind my back. It gives me an odd sort of peace, you know. For instance, I know that I am a good teacher, but not all my former and current students (for various reasons - they detest English, I said/did one thing to offend them, they didn't read directions, etc.) feel that I am. I'm positive that many call me a bitch among other things. I'm really okay with that because sometimes I am a bitch by choice.

    I also know that due to my judgments of people, I have treated people badly along the way. Meaning, I'm sure I have haters from high school and college and high school teaching and graduate school. Again, I know they are out there, and oh well. Maybe they have a truckload of reasons to hate my guts (I don't doubt that some do), and maybe some hate me because I pointed out their unhealthy hair one day in math class.

    When I taught in MN for two years, a few rumors went around that I smoked weed (hilarious!), that I partied too much (the bug was parked at the local pub one too many times), and that I was a lesbian (because I didn't date anyone & hugged a gal pal at a basketball game). At the time, I tried to shrug them off, yet I was secretly hurt. I guess it could've been worse. I could've been a meth dealing whore.

    It's taken me awhile to fully understand that my goal in life is not to be nice or friendly with everyone. Only so many people are going to "get" me, for one. And secondly, I only want to be surrounded and loved/liked by those people who I FEEL are quality people.

    I look at it as "karma savings" when I read emails from students, now at the end of the semester, who are obviously upset with how things went the last 16-18 weeks. It's all my fault, and since there's no convincing them otherwise, I calmly reply to them. Usually, after they've read me the riot act, I just delete and move on. Since I am female, I'm certain I get "mad" emails more than male instructors do. Students will holler easier at female teachers for various reasons (maybe mostely because of the stereotype that we're weaker, etc.). Weaker physically, perhaps, but I'll take on any male in the mental capacity category. It's all going right into the karma pot, man. Seriously.

    The one thing that I like about myself would be my ability to apologize. I know many people who don't and can't. I don't like them a lot. After watching some reality TV, I realized that there are people who blame their pasts as in "my parents were horrible to me so I get to be a dipsh*t now" or people who just equate a bad habit with who they are as in "I came to the party late because that's just who I am" or people who, like me, just spit it out, "Hey, I'm a bitch, and I said something mean, and I'm sorry." I should probably mention that I'm not alway sorry for everything I do, but yea... you get the picture.

    After an awesome lunch with my sister, I wrapped up my final grading. I believe that was all followed by a conversation with the boyfriend about his first day out on the water Thursday (it was a good walleye day), some viewing of the Twins game, and then a nap. I have no idea what the rest of this Saturday will bring, and I'm okay with that. Totally.